February 02, 2019
Year 1
Grey flat land surrounds the nondescript airport, if calmness and silence could be piercing, with a low quiet hum past the airport and through the city. First month’s rent with deposit is actually two month’s rent, count the twenties, get the key, small, grey bachelor apartment-
why the sudden realization? No friends, no family, no job, no surprise, pick yourself up and let’s go, go and discover
this land of bureaucracy, conservatism, hidden pocket of kindness, strips malls of Nepean and Hogsback, the twenty-four hour Tim Hortons across the street where you pull all-nighters, and the Italian grocery store and Shoppers across the street for Sunday shopping, next to a Passport Canada office and the McDonald’s where that stabbing happened. A little further along Fisher is the Wal-Mart near the experimental farm, where I used to ride my bike to school until someone stole it, and John, that kind-hearted boy from Parsons, Nova Scotia who walked you home the first day of school after the welcome barbeque. Your class mate Sean, who grew up on a farm in Chatham Ontario, became your best friend when you found an empty seat next to him every class. Taught you how to be strong and hard-working, “who would feed the pigs if you don’t work up at five in the morning”, more than a friend but not yet a brother. And what is this light, silver, almost airy substance of feeling inside you, just loneliness visiting for the first time. Stay strong, even strangers have sympathy here. Counting kindness, like when Sean built your furniture after the handyman from Kijiji tried to take advantage of you, or your neighbour who took care of your cat, Sharlotka, when you were gone, and the middle aged ladies at the rental apartment office who soothed you when you started your first day at school. Keep your head up high. Weekly Skype sessions with Olivia , from your old life back in Vancouver, steady routine at school, bills, groceries, pet food, salt water soak, and now your new life in this middle class snow globe world begins.
Year two
Simple but sturdy grey Hyundai Sonata, late night writing sessions a fifteen drive to hipster Hintonburg. The beginnings of Suzy Q doughnuts, Ministry of Coffee, board game nights and later an angel called Ron you will meet in year three. Purchasing, registering, paying your first parking ticket, first accident, winter tires, and insurance in case of accidental death?! Scraping the ice off your windshield and driving through snow and freezing rain, though you never forget the lineups and the wind’s biting cold for buses that never came during snow storm, and bus transfers to downtown crowded with students and civil servants. Courteous driving, no honks, “I’m sorry” this land of permission drivers. Let’s go to Chinatown, Little Italy, or Sunday farmer’s markets at Landsdowne Park in the Glebe. Let’s leave town to the valley, see Gatineau park peaks past pink lake, farm in Douglas and airbnb cabin in Dunrobin. Let’s escape, England, Ireland, Japan, Vietnam, Singapore, Cuba. School is steady and life is calm, so why does that heavy silver feeling inside linger, like an ocean tide it ebbs and flows, but grows and grows.
Year 3
New neighbourhood, New Edinburgh, I say goodbye and thank the ladies at Paramount Properties “you were like my mom” later they said the yellow daffodils made them happy. After we unpack, let’s walk down the tree-lined streets, Nature’s Buzz the organic food store, organic coffee chain Bridgehead, the esteemed old ladies at Scone Witch, and sitting on the pavilion steps watching sunsets at Rockcliffe Park, bright orange fireball sinking into the Ottawa river and leaving behind streaked skies. The two happiest places in Ottawa? Mexican brunch at Ola Cocina’s patio on a bright summer Sunday morning, and then to Union Street Cafe with fresh croissants and espresso. Yoga studio next door and dog treats at the door, smell of roasted coffee beans, stop. Close your eyes, breathe and smile. You are now home.
And more
Casual conversations with the neighbours, wives of doctors and middle management government affairs, Rockcliffe park mansions where the ambassadors live. I imagine getting married oneday at Rockcliffe Park, which reminds me of Vancouver’s Queen Elizabeth Park. Lou lives close by, mentor I met in year one. He worries about boys who break my heart. “Happy Birthday!” in Byward Market, bought me a cake from Fedelice in Gatineau. New Edinburgh, where the old ladies like my vintage fur (not for fashion, for the Ontarian cold), Beechwood cemetery where mayor Marion Dewar lies, near the French neighbourhood Vanier, with the Chinese grocery store where the Africans and Haitians shop too, walking distance to the pet store (Sharla only eats grain-free wet food) and Bridgehead too. I tell my friend who dropped me off, ” grocery store, pet shop, coffee shop, everything I need”, even a fine dining restaurant to surprise Lawrence for his birthday. Korean grandpa for shoe repair, Vietnamese seamstress, Lebanese couple’s flower shop (roses on sale) down the street from the gym and the Clocktower pub,
And now
degree paper submitted and approved, done done done, celebratory visit to Sean’s, and off to a bed and breakfast of eggs and bacon, Almonte, Ontario winter escape. Floral sheets and strewn paper harts, lofty snow, billows of smoke and cinnamon soak. Vintage mink fur coat and celebratory plant stand (later painted white). What’s next, who knows?
So let’s keep going,
travel plans to the FIFA World Cup in Russia, June graduation celebration with family and friends, my favourite coffee shop with dim lights and candles, listening to nineties R&B that makes Ron happy, weekly recaps of happiness and heartbreak, pray that the Etsy artist gives him the love he deserves, brunch still smells like teen spirit at Westboro’s Baker Street Cafe,
Grief
Two months notice for the apartment. Eat. Exercise. Read. The first two months of summer. My friends say goodbye with lunch at the docks. I say goodbye to Christine, the lady at Union Street Cafe, my favourite coffee shop. Hug her and tell her goodbye, “great coffee and flaky croissants”. My cleaning lady offered her spare bedroom “for when you come back and visit”, celebrated your birthday and helped you find a new home for Sharla by pressuring her client Allison, who felt bad for you. Sean almost cries when I tell him (the only one I didn’t give hints, thought he was tough enough to handle it). I say goodbye to the building management and take pictures after the last inspection. Ron and I have lunch at Chez Edgar. I say goodbye to Ottawa boy Rashid* who got angry I couldn’t give him a future. Lou gets us a private tour at Parliament. New Vancouver boy Temujin* messages three times a day which smothers that silvery feeling inside. The last two months of summer will be a blur. Trans-Siberian railway to Siberia, flight home after FIFA, then driving past Ontarian great lakes and forests, prairie wheat fields and blue skies, then Albertan Rocky mountains to meet the Pacific ocean. To find happiness? I had happiness, so why did I have to leave?
*names changed to protect their privacy